Happy New Year to you all! I know it's a bit late for me to say that, but so far this year has been a real roller coaster in my life.
At the start of the year there were arguments, misunderstandings, crying, disappointments and then before the end of the month came my sickness which ended up being an eye-opener for me. I got a kidney stone (this time it came with horrible pain, fever & chills, and blood in my urine). After going to the ER, the doctor confirmed that my kidney had gone septic and I had a very bad infection. So, I ended up in the hospital for an entire week with pain, headache etc.
I was very desperate to go home but my mind, body and spirit were telling me something else. I knew that I was to get better but before that, my body had to go through the challenges, the pain which I myself had created. You see, I had a feeling that I would get sick if I didn't switch my diet to greens and proteins in short (Sattvic food) nature. I ignored this feeling and of course got myself on the long road of pain and heartache.
Being in that hospital bed I prayed so hard. I prayed to God to make me feel better, to get me out of the horrible feeling of being close to despair. I knew that I would get better but I also knew that I needed to go through with all of these medical tests- CT scans, blood tests, etc. to be able to break out of my cycle of ignorance making me always think I was invincible. The hospital staff would come several times to get my blood. I would literally cry and beg them not to, but of course that was the protocol they had to follow to ensure proper care for me. I ended up having bruises on both my hands.
After a whole week in the hospital bed, I was finally released from the hospital with an oxygen tank since my lungs were too weak to allow me to breathe properly and on my own. I was told that I needed to do certain exercises and make sure I had help. After getting in the car with my family who came to pick me up, I felt so relieved especially because the day before, I wasn’t sure when I was going to be able to be discharged from the hospital due to complications.
As we were driving home from the hospital, all the old and familiar places we passed by seemed so new and different. For some reason, it all felt so different and new to me. I couldn't remember what I said to my family- as if I had no memory of it. My husband and my daughter told me that I seemed very different, strange, very unfamiliar and of course, sick. It almost took a week and half for me to look my old self, and I am still recovering from this ordeal. I still have a stent inside of me which makes things a little uncomfortable, but I know that is going to help me in the long run. As they say, oo pain no gain right?
All that time I dealt with my health issues, I had time to reflect on myself. I thought a lot about my life overall. Looking back, I thought of all the things I did, all of my mistakes came rushing to my consciousness and I started to think about how I would become the old me who was different, more compassionate, more understanding, and came up with more gratitude in my life.
Looking back to these stages of my life, I didn’t like myself as a person because I was very gentle, shy, understanding, compassionate, and many times even vulnerable to abuse.
It’s also true that life experiences make a person angry, frustrated, and resentful towards things, people, situations or whatever else it may be sometimes. Looking back on those events, it made me realize that the situations, people, or events were not to blame but that it was all alone. I myself was in the wrong mindset. I could have been a strong person then when it was needed, but I maybe didn’t know how to handle whatever circumstances arose. Maybe that made me this person who I am now that I don’t like to see.
I realized that I was not looking at the whole picture, but just focusing on myself- my wants, my life just me, me and me. I never knew when I became such a mean, rigid person. I don't remember when or even why I became that person who I don’t like one bit.
Don't get me wrong, I still love my people, family, and pets. I love helping others at any chance I get. But I also realize now that I have been taking my family and my people for granted, not realizing that I am hurting them in a way that I never would imagine. That realization hurt me tremendously.
I am a person who, given the choice, wouldn’t even hurt a small bug or a worm, but here I was hurting my own people who loved me a lot. That was my realization. See, as humans, we say we care for all and we would be there no matter what but when it comes to the real-life situations, we change according to our convenience. We become people we don't even recognize. We don't want to show that we are vulnerable and refuse to show that we are scared to go forward, and this is the time we like to blame others for our own failings if I may say. God has given us free will so that we can use it for good, but instead, we use it for our own convenience, to get what we want even when we know it is wrong. At that time, we are so full of rage with the other person or situation that we don't even listen to our own selves.
I think my hospital time gave me time to reflect on my own self because otherwise I would have just kept on going down my path, not realizing what I was doing and how I was hurting my loved ones. I am not at all saying that I am perfect now, but I am saying that I now know that I am ready to move on in my journey of life. I know it's a long road ahead but at least I know what I need to do. I have been given a second chance and this time, I will use it for a good purpose.
At the end, when I look back, I want to say that I am satisfied with my life. I don't want any regrets. Of course I can't say that everyone will be satisfied with my behavior, my thoughts, my actions, or even my deeds, but I am here to do my best to help others without expecting anything in return. I will be a more alert, open- minded, compassionate individual as I once was when I was younger. God gives us chances to look back at life so that we can change our lifestyle if one wishes to, and I am ready to do that now. So let the journey begin and let's see where I go….
